What Women Want

Men…

Better to swallow one’s pride now,

than have it stepped on later.

 My student, Ms. Judy (a fictitious person), arrives. She’s smiling. I can see the hope in her eyes. Hope that she can improve her shooting. She’s serious about that, and so am I.

Introductions finished, I bring her a coffee and we sit. She’s still smiling but there’s something else. You’d have to be blind not to see it. I’m not. Sensing something is coming, I open by asking what she most wants to accomplish during our time together.

Setting her coffee down, about to respond, she hesitates. Here it comes. Silence. And then tears. She wants someone to listen. To pay attention. I am. Like I have before, in the same situation.

It goes without saying, we men are naturally protective of women and kids. That’s a good thing. Right? Of course, it is. Right up until our good intentions get us in trouble. Please note: despite my very sincere effort to be respectful here – to be constructive – there’s a strong likelihood the following will offend some readers. So, why did I write this article? Because someone needs to speak up for all the Judy’s out there. And, quite frankly, I don’t see anyone else stepping up to the microphone.

A “perception” of her needing help,

is not an invitation 

to offer unsolicited advice.

Yes, this is my opinion. An opinion formed by listening, and hearing the women who come for instruction. Ages? Anywhere from twelve to seventy. For more than three long decades, my opinion has been reinforced by watching this scenario play out, over and over again.

“Wise people advise from experience.

Wiser people, from experience, do not advise.” 

― Amit Kalantri

Not that long ago, I wrote about a young gentleman on the 5-Stand who was instructing his student. A well-known Big Dawg shooter, a year or two before, he’d won the Nationals. Hold onto that. As I approached on the sidewalk behind the 5-Stand, I recognized him. What also caught my attention was an older gentleman approaching, his shooting vest adorned with a few dozen patches proudly displaying his many accomplishments. His intent? To step in and assist what “he thought” were a struggling young couple who obviously didn’t know what they were doing and needed his help. 

Their meeting was brief. Politely (??) excused, the elderly man walked away in front of me, visibly upset and grumbling. His good intentions were swiftly rejected – he couldn’t believe they had refused the “expert advice” (?) he was offering.

To offer a woman unsolicited advice

presumes she doesn’t know what to do…

or that she can’t do it on her own.

Let’s go back to Ms. Judy, apologizing for her tears. I replied, no need. Wearily, she told me she was beyond tired of having men approach her when she was shooting, offering her uninvited advice. Deeply engrossed in her own “good” shooting, she hadn’t asked anyone for assistance. Men – believing she would appreciate some “help” – repeatedly appeared, to offer her their invaluable instruction. Invaluable? No doubt their perception. Reality?

Here's a classic example of reality. A few weeks back, I was on the phone with a gentleman who said, “At the Club, my friends and I stay on the lookout for women who are shooting and don’t know what they are doing. We always go help them.” Those are verbatim quotes. My question? How many of those women asked for help? If she did ask, God bless. If not?

Adding to this discussion – earlier in the call, this gentleman shared with me his being frustrated, lost and confused in his own, very inconsistent shooting. While I sincerely appreciated and respected hearing his honesty – he’s on the lookout to volunteer his shooting advice to “help” a woman / youngster who has not asked for any assistance? Honorable intentions aside, what advice would that be? How truly helpful?

Unsolicited advice is usually more about

the needs of the giver

than the receiver.

All too often I’ve witnessed both inexperienced and experienced male shooters volunteer their questionable “expertise” to rescue (?) the lady in question, who, by the way, is breaking her targets. Whether this lady needed help or not isn’t the issue here. The issues here were: 1) she was perfectly content with how she was breaking her targets, and 2) she hadn’t asked for any help.

For those of us men who’ve been in this “other” situation, it wouldn’t be fair to end our discussion here without saying this. In this well-remembered example, the squad I was on had just finished a tough, two-day tournament. From the first target to the last, I’d been tightly focused and was told I was tied for HOA. Thinking that was a good thing, here came the lady on our squad, visibly upset, chastising me about how I had never once offered to help her. Not once. Before being given a chance to explain, she walked away, blaming me for her poor shooting all weekend. Was I wrong…for being respectful for two days…for being silent…focusing on my shooting?

Ahhh well…I’ll stand by my recommendation of not volunteering advice before it is requested. Because good intentions don’t and won’t excuse rude interruptions. With that in mind, ladies, please remember, our silence doesn’t mean we don’t care. We’re being respectful. If you would like some help, please, just ask.

There now. Everybody good? Let’s shake hands and agree, we’re all forgiven. When to speak up, when not? No more misunderstandings.

Always nice to see you here. Be safe, and take a moment to enjoy all our shooting opportunities.  

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About Dan Schindler

Dan Schindler is one of only 60 worldwide members of the Guild of Shooting Instructors (UK) and is one of the most highly respected Sporting Clays, Skeet, Trap and Wingshooting Instructors in the US. Dan is an NSCA Level III Instructor (since 1995) and founded the Paragon School of Sporting with one goal in mind. Whether it be for the advanced competitor or providing the basics to the entry-level shooter, Paragon provides the simplest, most practical and most effective Instruction, Coaching and Mental Training for the Sporting Clays & Wingshooting enthusiast. Dan Schindler helps shooters alleviate a lot of their frustration by taking the mystery out of breaking targets, calling their own misses, and make their own corrections. Lessons are fun, enlightening and our clients learn to shoot better in minutes!  

Dan Schindler's Books

"Recommended for shooters of all skill levels, Coaches, Instructors

and parents of youth shooters."

Take the mystery out of missing targets and feathers with Dan Schindler's simple, easy-to-understand books. They're your road map for consistently and dependably shooting higher scores.

Take Your Best Shot (Book I), 3rd Edition is THE Gold Standard Primer It's all about the fundamentals, a requirement for good shooting. This book is used by high school and college shooting teams, recreational and competitive shooters from around the world. Solid, valuable, concise information that has helped thousands of shooters shoot more consistently with higher scores.

To The Target (Book II) Builds on the steps outlined in Book I. Emphasises Gun Management skills when the trap fires, creating a consistent, reliable, trustworthy swing.

Beyond the Target (Book III) is for shooters of all levels, filled with valuable information, clay target truths. Entertaining and a culmination of 3 decades of Dan's life's work as a teacher, competitor, published writer, and much more.

Here's what Shooters, Coaches and Clay Shooting USA saying...

Take Your Best Shot (Book I), 3rd Edition

To The Target (Book II)

Beyond The Target (Book III)